Resident Evil 4… thousand

Behold…

Craptastic!

I have been a fan of Resident Evil for many moons. I even attempted to make my own movie and failed fantastically (not because of the script or the lack of motivation- because of dumb, dumb, flaky people).

Wild wild west Alice with annoying Akimbo shotguns.

So the trailer for RE 4 is up and I am completely amazed. Why does Capcom let them do this? Is it just money? Is it really, really funny and I just don’t know? I seriously want to know how they could let something like this go.

I think the movie franchise would have been OK if they had just used a different title other than resident evil and used a different corporation name. Just take the resident evil and umbrella right out- problem pretty much solved.
Those are the only ties to the RE universe and it just drags the name through the mud.
The books are awesome (go read them) and the games were great- of course, but the movies have always left much to desire.

So what if they kept the name and the corporation and continued to let it live in its own universe but didn’t attach well known characters? That is Another way they could have gone about making it, the way they did with the first one. There were no well known characters to piss off the die hard fans but it was faithful to the look and feel of the mythology of the series-it actually added to it and the end was brilliant, that scene where the camera pulls back to the ruined city (sorry but if you have not seen it by now you probably won’t).
Even if they eventually made Alice into a kung fu expert it would not have really hurt the series if they had just stuck with original characters and built around the existing properties, Maybe went with the Evil Alice plan and killed her off (sigh). But they just had to have more well known characters. I think Cameos would have been okay, but having someone as notable as Jill or even Carlos in the second movie without staying true to their character was crap. And then the Nemesis knew kung fu- ubercrap. The nemesis just knew how to kill stars members or other targets- whatever was programmed (even his robot chip would have worked out)- he was a big advanced Frankenstein- not learned in the ways of the deadly arts! I doubt he spent time with Pai Mei, though he was missing one eye…

That is where they jumped the shark.

The first 30 minutes of the second movie were OK but after that mayday!
I really wanted to leave the theater when Alice started jumping around and all the Umbrella people gathered around like a schoolyard fight- But wait… Now the Nemesis has a heart and pushes poor super Alice out of the way of a rocket. I was even ok with the rubber Nemesis suit but Kung- Fu nemesis with manners is just too much.

Looks like the Executioner Majini- but why is it in this movie? Are they in Africa?

The third movie was not so bad if you could get over alice being super and the fact that Claire Redfield had no redeeming qualities whatsoever and was absolutely NOTHING like her character should have been. They almost Made Alice a Terminator-esque character- and that could have worked but fell flat with all the lame wire work. They managed to phone in what could have been a really interesting scene… When they released the “super zombies” (uuugh) they should have done it in the casino. Say the group went to the parking garage to get gas and then got cornered in a casino- that would have let up to the greatest zombie cameo of all time (only to be beaten by Zombieland years later)-

Zombie Wayne Newton.
Picture it… Chills.

The tyrant at the end was pretty lame as well- getting killed with the cube rip off umbrella booby trap- because the first time was not enough and of course we all had to see Milla Jo-Jo-Ba’s eraser nipples for the third time.
Nipples are great but there is a point when you have to leave them behind and work on the story.

Eventually, I actually got to a point where I could accept the three movies, overlooking a lot of the second one, and just hope that one day someone made a really good serious zombie movie (I’m looking at you world war Z, and Frank Darabant with “the walking dead” on AMC- look for it) but after reading a report from the set I am not entirely sure I even want to give this one a chance at all.

Resident Evil: Afterlife | Trailer Park Movies

I just know they are going to turn Wesker into a vampire, watch…

Here is what it said…

“While we’re not exposed to any zombies on this particular day, we’re told that they are evolving too. In fact, there are completely new breeds of zombies, including “burrowing zombies”, which actually aren’t zombies at all, but infected humans. These are nasty bastards who have been living underground and attempting to burrow through concrete, causing their fingernails and lips to be torn to shreds long ago.” http://www.joblo.com/a-visit-to-the-set-of-resident-evil-afterlife

Really?
Mole-men zombies?
I give up.
And they are going with the, “these aren’t zombies they are infected…” If they aren’t zombies give them a name- like they did in resident evil, don’t say “well we have zombies- but not just ANY zombie…”
And don’t even start with the Trinity- er – Alice slow mo crap… Look-at-these-daggars-they-are-flying-right-at-you-oooooohhh-3D-bandwagon-oooohh.

I don’t care if they used the same camera as James Cameron- I might use the same toilet paper but I don’t dream of a world with blue Thundercats re-enacting Dances with wolves with a hint of Pocahontas.
Maybe soon Hollywood will ensure that we will see a REAL 3D turd- then we will get smell-o-vision again and the electric shocks they used in the 50s for “the tingler” to make us all literally shit ourselves in the theater. I guess we will have to wait for Harold and Kumar 3D for that (yes it is coming).

Meh.

But with Paul (if only I could be Wes) Anderson directing expect another ripoff “homage” to the move cubed, again, and again, and again, and again…
Maybe Alice will wake up on a spaceship haunted by ghosts filled with zombies and aliens stalking her and predators stalking the aliens and just when you think she is a goner Jason Statham will show up and they will escape- or will they? Then she almost dies and has a flashback and we see the bazillianth shot of her eyes and she overcomes her impediment, kills the bad guy/monster and blows up the ship only to land at another location where there are now millions upon millions of mole people trying to take her eyes from her. She draws her sword (yes she has one) and Statham draws a gun and just as they are about to chop up some mole men.

Smash cut to the credits and some lame ass slipknot or other generic new age metal band’s music.

And my eyes roll back.

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