The Twilight Decryption (part deux): Attack of the Cheesburger

I thought I was done with the whole mess, I read about the Movie for the final book (Breaking Dawn) will be made into two movies. I really thought this could use a bit of a cliff note because the final of the 4 books has the most OMGWTFBBQJEFFGOLDBLUM moments out of all of them..

I found an article online about why Breaking Dawn needs to be made into a movie. I am pretty sure in order to keep this movie from being rated R these moments will be taken out of the movies:

The Human Girl (Bella) finally Coaxes The vampire (Edward) to take her virginity. This is after chapters of begging and pleading in the last book. He said he will only if they get married. I guess neither of them want her ending up like Jessica from True Blood.  So they get married and on their Honeymoon they consumate.. so much so he breaks some of her bones and knocks her unconscious. That apparently doesn’t stop them, and she gets pregnant (who would have possibly thought that someone who is undead can biologically reproduce).

It is an accelerated pregnancy filled with rib breaking, spines being snapped in half leaving Bella paralyzed (the baby is quite a kicker). Bella while still  human craves human blood and that is the only thing she can consume while pregnant. The baby is apparently not human, which freaks the Edward out which not only leads him to try to convince her to get an abortion, but he also tried to convince the Werewolf (Jacob) who is in love with her as well to knock her up instead. Obviously this doesn’t happen and why would it? There are still chapters and chapters left to go! Not to mention the baby is telepathic and convincing everyone to fall in love with her.

So the baby is ready to come out, and well it won’t without killing her (because apparently sparkly vampire skin is also super strong, and was developed inside the womb. so the only way for her to be born is (ready for this???) Edward gives Bella a C-Section.. with his teeth. I don’t get the logic behind that either.. then again it is just Stephanie Meyers world, and we just live in this shit.

So the baby is born, given one of the stupidest names since Pilot Inspektor.. Renesmee. Like this kid isn’t going to be picked on enough. She has a sparkly emo twink of a father and an idiot Mother. And while everyone is cooing over mutant baby Bella is dying. So Edward who is concerned about causing her any pain, puts her into a coma and makes her a vampire.. Problem is she is aware of everything going while she is under.

So Letsee.. Bone breaking knock out first time sex? Check. Spine Severing paralyzing cannibalistic pregnancy? Check.  Going through the vampire change while unable to move and function but is fully aware and can’t tell anyone? Check. What else could be missing??

Oh yeah.. The Werewolf, who has spent the last 2 and a half books brooding and looking to be alone upon seeing the baby falls in love with her. Not in the happy parental way.. fucking falls in love with her, and winds up imprinting (the werewolf love spell apparently) on her. Granted she apparently ages at an accelerated rate and he doesn’t age now.. but still. This makes Roman Pollansky look moral.

For a book geared towards teenagers this is all pretty fucked up, and yet they (as well as their Twilight Cradle robbing obsessed mothers) are eating it up. So really the first 3 books were leading to all of this..Yes parents, you are letting your kids read this junk.

And with that, I need to bleach my eyeballs now.

Pilot Inspektor

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