Okay, who is the wiseguy that put sparklers on my finger knives again?

I just watched the 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Eeeeh, what the hell happened?

I’ll tell ya what, Platinum Dunes.

They really have not figured out that you can’t polish a turd, you might be able to bronze it but that would be about as good as you are going to get.

I don’t get why remakes have been targeted to a younger and hip audience. Don’t they realize as time goes by kids just become even more apathetic and jaded than the last generation? And here is platinum dunes doing the monkey dance trying to get these kids attention and money. That is what this movie looks and feels like, unattached, unemotional and unimaginative as hell. Saw movies look more interesting- and I hate Saw movies.

If they had some vision they would see that marketing the reboot (as it were) to fans would be more to their advantage. Why?

The fans are older and have money to waste on bad films. The “forced reboot” as I call it just doesn’t work for anyone. For a reboot you need to find someone that really likes the original story or movies, not in the way platinum dunes “likes” them (as an investment).

Look at Batman Begins, it’s a reboot but you did not see Nolan trying to re-invent the character or put a modern spin on it, he just built on the character’s back story giving him a reason to be and let nature take its course. The fact that they show what happened to Freddy was a major plus for the movie but would have been better suited as the focal point or at least as a large part of the beginning of the film. For years and years before they made this there has been talk about Freddy’s origin or a movie based on it. The closest they ever came to that was a Freddy’s nightmares episode that showed a bit of the court trial and how he came to be. They missed a great opportunity to show off Haley’s acting chops (sans makeup) and build on the character. It seems like they just said “kids don’t want to wait for Freddy, we need to give them action- skip the origin and show a brief scene at the end to tie it up”. What is even more strange is that these days people WANT origin stories, but it was completely overlooked.

 I got to see an advanced screening of the Friday the 13th reboot and in attendance were Derek Mears (Jason- super nice guy) Brad Fuller (platinum dunes- complete schmuck) and Andrew Form (platinum dunes – Mr. Quiet- seemed like Brad’s bitch).

They went on and on about being fans of all of the movies that they have or will be ruining. Sitting there listening to it all just made me dislike them more, it all sounded like crap. They were talking about bringing a lot of movies to reboot and ANOES was one of them. It was all about how much money they could make. If Friday the 13^th does well then we will get the green light on Elm street, and if that does well… I get that studios need to make money but they were very insincere about it and seemed visibly nervous about how people reacted to the Friday reboot, because it kind of sucked. I don’t think they were ready for people not to embrace track star Jason. I liked the chainsaw remake but aside from that they have just consistently put out crap.

And that is what we have with Nightmare 2010, just crap.

I wanted to like it of course. I grew up a Freddy fan, following everything from the movies to the TV series. I understand that over the years Freddy got watered down, and as all good things it had to end. My initial reaction to the Nightmare 2010 news was completely negative, but I had some hopes- Jackie Earl Haley, how could that go wrong?

I don’t know how, but it did… terribly.

They managed to take the dream like quality out of nightmare on Elm Street. Anything clever about any of the old Elm Street movies has been mostly shat upon.

You could tell when the kids were dreaming but there was no sense of danger or weirdness, no surprises. Even though the score “wanted” you to be tense, it just did not happen. I felt like a jaded teenager from today waiting for it to be over.

And speaking of the score, it is the same as the original but the notes are played backwards. No imagination, barely an homage to the original- just modern day slasher movie music.

The most clever part of the score was not really the score actually. In the drug store where Nancy is going in and out of “micro naps” (uuugh) they played the song “All I have to do is Dream” by the Everly Brothers. That was extremely effective in the trailer and really helped to sell the movie. In the actual scene, not so much. It was a good idea but certainly not enough to carry the whole film.

Freddy’s kills were not imaginative by ANY means. He just rips through people now, literally. He tortures kids, also in the literal sense, rather than playing mind games, tricking them or making them face their fears. There are no more morality lessons or ironic deaths. He pulls a kids heart out and as the kid hangs upside down tells him that the brain keeps working 7 minutes after the heart stops, so they had 6 more minutes to play. That is demented but not Freddy. It just sounds like some random serial killer from any crime drama or movie, take your pick.

Aside from that they tried to re-hash gimmicks from the original (and by far still more superior) nightmare, here is the run down.

The bed scene 1984: Freddy lurks over Nancy while she sleeps. In the original this was achieved by placing an actor in a false wall behind the bed. A Spandex/Lycra material was used in place of a wall and the actor in good lighting leaned through over Nancy making a very tense scene.

Exibit A

The bed scene 2010: Nancy nods off while sitting up in bed listening to her ipod, because modern day technology not been crammed far enough down our throats in modern movies, “hey, look at my toys… yay!” (Yes, I had a walkman and I am damn proud of it- screw your Ipod!) As Nancy sits there a shiny CG blob Freddy bubbles out of the wall. He might as well have jumped out and started dancing. It looked like someone had used software that came with a demo of the abyss tentacle.

Somebody call Rick O'Connell, I think I see a Mummy.

The tub scene 1984: Nancy falls asleep in tub, Freddy’s hand comes awfully close to her no no bits and just when he stops and she relaxes again he pulls her under the water and she has to swim back out of the drain. The way that the scene played was perfect for a nightmare, girl falls asleep in tub, dreams she is going down the drain and wakes up while under water- makes sense.

The tub scene 2010: We have Freddy’s hand come up somewhat close to no no bits as well… then she wakes up. No harm. This was a waste of a perfectly good scare scene. Yes, they might have said “the audience will expect that” but you have to cash in some expectations for your fans.

Hallway scene 1984: Nancy sees Tina in a body bag, Tina talks to her and spits up blood. She sees some more gore and runs down the hall only to run into the hall monitor in the Freddy sweater. “Hey Nancy! No running in the hallways!”

Hallway scene 2010: Nancy sees Kris in what looks like a thin bag from the dry cleaners calling her name. Woah, that’s really creepy- next!

nothing else. She was micro napping, and immediately the other character explains that to her and they move on. I think I must have been micro napping the entire movie. Maybe not, it might have been better if I had.

The infamous Tina bed kill scene 1984: Tina levitates around the room and is brutally murdered in front of her boyfriend. The sounds that Amanda Wyss made in that scene with the gasping and screaming were enough to creep you out, she could act.

The Kris bed kill scene 2010: Though more physical and brutal, the acting did not sell this scene as it did in the original, neither did the CG blood. Just not a good idea.

Quaker oats stairs 1984: Nancy runs from Freddy up the stairs only to be slowed by “quicksand” steps. Great effect even if it was cheesy, er… oaty. A scene to make Wilford Brimley proud.  

Blood hallway 2010: I actually liked this scene, the hallway Nancy is running down slowly turns into a sludgy blood tar pit. Great effect and one of the only good ones in the movie. This scene is actually on the poster, though without the context the poster really just looks like Freddy getting ready to get something naughty from the girl.

The end 1984: Nancy turns her back on Freddy taking his energy away and walks out of the room. The next morning she is going to school. Gets in a car with her dead friends and is presumably driven away by the Freddy mobile as her mother gets yanked back in the house through a very small window by Freddy. Weird ending but it worked. It established that you don’t know what is real or dream in the movie. Did she dream she defeated Freddy and everything is okay or did she dream the whole movie and never really got out of the dream? Who knows.

The end 2010: Freddy is taken into the “real world” hand is cut off and throat slashed, he is left to burn… again- though authorities say there was no body left at the scene. Hmmm…Nancy goes home, turns to talk to her mother as Freddy appears in a mirror and punches through her mom’s face with his gloved hand- and- flash cut to credits with some lame ass EMO new metal band… you know, for kids.

No.

It was if they thought that a Freddy movie was pretty much the same thing as a Jason movie or Leatherface movie. Freddy is not visceral like that, he has a style or at least a more slick approach. This Freddy is like having Jason Voorhees in your nightmare. He is not intuitive or tactful, he just does the matrix quickstep and talks shit.

The one thing I liked about this Freddy was that he flicked his blades like scissors, most likely something that JEH came up with. it was creepy and really cool.

I feel really bad for Haley, he is a great actor and deserves much better than this.

I think platinum dunes needs to stop. Stop raping my childhood, stop looking for the money grab. Yes, I am old and set in my ways. Yes I liked the old ANOES movies up until #5 when Freddy became a carnival barker.

I'll take moonwalking Freddy over 2010 Freddy any day.

Even though the character became a little more annoying each time the movies and the dreams were still dream like. Surreal. It did not just feel like a flashy video director’s demo reel.

But of course they will not stop there, they are now working on reboots of both Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Monster Squad.

Someone please kick the Platinum Dunes guys in the nards for me.

Welcome.

Tonight I want to tell everyone about Red, a film adapted from a DC comics title of the same name. In most cases “comic book” movies = certain doom, however, something happened with this one and it was freaking awesome.

I cannot stop saying how much I enjoyed watching this movie. Not since Grosse Pointe Blank have I enjoyed a contract killer/comedy as much as this one.

Anyone that thinks that Bruce Willis’ action days are over better watch their back because he is a bad ass in this one. With Red Willis also gives us some hope of seeing the real John McClane again- one day.

The plot is pretty easy to follow from the trailers, Retired black ops CIA agents are being assassinated for some reason and Bruce is trying to figure out by who and why, with the help from a few fellow REDs or Retired – Extremely – Dangerous operatives.

John Malkovich plays a crazy, off the grid, paranoid (and for good reason) character to perfection. He is comic relief in the film as well as someone you want on your side in this situation, especially when he has the pig.

Morgan Freeman makes a brief but memorable appearance making you stop to think about how old he really is.

Helen Mirren is also perfect casting, she is what kind of sold me on the movie in the first place…

Wouldn’t you want to see a movie where Helen Murin gets to Rambo up? Of course you do.

Karl Urban plays the agent trying to bring Willis down, he is relentless and perfect. Look for the scene where Willis Meets Urban for the first time, awesome- and the music could not have been better.

I was happy to see Brian Cox as well as none other than Ernest Borgnine with roles in the film as well.

So to move on, there are a lot of great actors in the movie that help prove the comic book stigma does not apply in every situation, they can’t all be bad. I am not sure what the

comic is like or if the fanboys will have a more harsh reaction to it, nor do I really care because for me it was great.

Granted there are a lot of predictable action cues in the movie but it was damn entertaining. The action was fast paced when it needed to be, the twists were well played in every way and above all this movie was funny.

I really just went into this movie after seeing maybe 2 trailers and had no expectations. Needless to say I was very pleased. It did not feel as if anything was missing from the movie, but I do want more. I hope that we get to see more from the RED universe, I hope this movie does well in the box office and gets everything it deserves.

What are you doing still reading this? GO SEE RED!!!

I thought I was done with the whole mess, I read about the Movie for the final book (Breaking Dawn) will be made into two movies. I really thought this could use a bit of a cliff note because the final of the 4 books has the most OMGWTFBBQJEFFGOLDBLUM moments out of all of them..

I found an article online about why Breaking Dawn needs to be made into a movie. I am pretty sure in order to keep this movie from being rated R these moments will be taken out of the movies:

The Human Girl (Bella) finally Coaxes The vampire (Edward) to take her virginity. This is after chapters of begging and pleading in the last book. He said he will only if they get married. I guess neither of them want her ending up like Jessica from True Blood.  So they get married and on their Honeymoon they consumate.. so much so he breaks some of her bones and knocks her unconscious. That apparently doesn’t stop them, and she gets pregnant (who would have possibly thought that someone who is undead can biologically reproduce).

It is an accelerated pregnancy filled with rib breaking, spines being snapped in half leaving Bella paralyzed (the baby is quite a kicker). Bella while still  human craves human blood and that is the only thing she can consume while pregnant. The baby is apparently not human, which freaks the Edward out which not only leads him to try to convince her to get an abortion, but he also tried to convince the Werewolf (Jacob) who is in love with her as well to knock her up instead. Obviously this doesn’t happen and why would it? There are still chapters and chapters left to go! Not to mention the baby is telepathic and convincing everyone to fall in love with her.

So the baby is ready to come out, and well it won’t without killing her (because apparently sparkly vampire skin is also super strong, and was developed inside the womb. so the only way for her to be born is (ready for this???) Edward gives Bella a C-Section.. with his teeth. I don’t get the logic behind that either.. then again it is just Stephanie Meyers world, and we just live in this shit.

So the baby is born, given one of the stupidest names since Pilot Inspektor.. Renesmee. Like this kid isn’t going to be picked on enough. She has a sparkly emo twink of a father and an idiot Mother. And while everyone is cooing over mutant baby Bella is dying. So Edward who is concerned about causing her any pain, puts her into a coma and makes her a vampire.. Problem is she is aware of everything going while she is under.

So Letsee.. Bone breaking knock out first time sex? Check. Spine Severing paralyzing cannibalistic pregnancy? Check.  Going through the vampire change while unable to move and function but is fully aware and can’t tell anyone? Check. What else could be missing??

Oh yeah.. The Werewolf, who has spent the last 2 and a half books brooding and looking to be alone upon seeing the baby falls in love with her. Not in the happy parental way.. fucking falls in love with her, and winds up imprinting (the werewolf love spell apparently) on her. Granted she apparently ages at an accelerated rate and he doesn’t age now.. but still. This makes Roman Pollansky look moral.

For a book geared towards teenagers this is all pretty fucked up, and yet they (as well as their Twilight Cradle robbing obsessed mothers) are eating it up. So really the first 3 books were leading to all of this..Yes parents, you are letting your kids read this junk.

And with that, I need to bleach my eyeballs now.

As the resident estrogen based life form in the group I somehow feel obligated to help those with the Y chromosome to understand this whole Twilight mess. Frankly I feel slightly dirty even bringing it up, but if it helps all of you guys out there with it, then I have done a public service.

Many years ago, the Harry Potter craze had began and I had some trepidation about reading the books. I did and I didn’t regret it. I am now a huge Harry potter fan. Seeing the same rabid fandom for these books (and comparison to the Harry Potter series) I thought I would give it a shot. Upon attempting to get into them I have learned 2 things about the series that I cannot say about any other book I have read: That the movies are way better than the books (which is saying a lot) and I was not able to get through any of the books in the series.

Let me attempt to sum up the series in the best way possible: girl moves to small north western town. Girl meets Pretty pale boy and is upset because he ignores her. Pretty Boy (and his perfectly quaffed hair and angelic good looks) turns out to be self loathing and emo who one minute avoids girl and then next minute is stalking her. Turns out after many chapters that boy and his family are vegetarian vampires and that the girl is so damn appealing that he has a hard time fighting his urge not to eat her. The Author emphasizes that point ad nauseum with such phrases such as “mouth watering” and “appetizing”. The analogy I have used to describe it to my friends who have never read it is that this dude is starving and the girl is the most appetizing cheeseburger on the face of the planet.

I also forget the Most annoying detail of this whole thing: in this universe the vampires sparkle in the sunlight. No horrible flamey death, no getting weak. They fucking sparkle. They are blood sucking disco balls.

So creepy emo sparkly vampire boy falls in love with mousy clumsy girl and they begin to have a romantic relationship pretty much free of any physical contact for fear he may eat her. Girl also befriends a Native American werewolf whose tribe has an ongoing feud with the vampire people. He falls in love with the girl and the tug of war begins. Throw in rivaling vampire families, a vendetta from a spurned female vamp and Mormon like chastity morality and family practices it all makes for a really predictable and poorly thought out story.

So what is the appeal? I think the fascination is more fascinating to me than the story itself. When I have asked my friends who are fans what it is with the whole thing, they go off about its romanticism. They talk about it brings up memories about what it was like being a teenager and crushing on the rebel without a cause type in school and not having them return the feelings. I guess it is a nostalgia thing that I don’t understand. Yeah sure we have all had crushes that were unrequited, but I have no connection with the female character of the series; she has portrayed as whiny, helpless and clumsy who pretty much goes against everything everyone tells her. You can equate her near deaths to the multiple deaths of Kenny from South Park in frequency. She also is portrayed as a girl who feels she has no identity unless she can be with sparkly vampire boy forever.

As I briefly mentioned before, the movies are way better than the books, which I can honestly say is the first time I have ever said that. Considering the movies are so so, that is not saying much. Sure it has some nice barely legal ab-tastic eye candy, but you can get that in a lot of movies. The author Stephanie Meyer has admitted to the fact that this is the first thing she has ever written; prior to this there was not even a short story. She also brags about the fact that she was never into horror or vampires growing up Mormon so she had no real preconceived notion. Both of these facts are blatant; the books are poorly written so much so that one must really wonder who the editor was and why they weren’t shot. With all of the teenage supernatural romance out there these books are really sub par. I can really chalk all of it up to good marketing. That being said if it gets people into books again I can’t loathe it too much… just don’t compare them to the works of J.K Rowling or even worse, Shakespeare (yes it has been done).

So what can we take from all this? That women feel so starved for romance that they lose themselves in a poorly adapted mythos? That we are suckers to a pretty face and excellent marketing? Perhaps. The only thing we can do is hanker down and wait for the storm to pass, as it surely will once all the movies have been out for a while and people move on to the next big thing. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later. In the meantime Portal 2 will be out soon to help to dull the pain.

Welcome to:

(Queue Jurassic park theme)

I will be reviewing movies that some may accept as “watchable” and also movies that some may find horrible. I will watch classic movies to comment on pure nostalgia, I will watch shitty movies just because. I welcome any comments, suggestions or requests- though I cannot guarantee that I have every movie requested I do have a Netflix account at my disposal.

So where do we go from here?

Two words…

Ghost Dad
(you bet your Jell-O pudding pops)

I honestly don’t get why everyone hates, hates, HATES this movie so much. I have seen much, much worse.
I do have some theories though.
One thing that struck me from the get go was that this movie was directed by Sidney Poitier, Mr. Tibs!
Bill Cosby is a dad (wait for it) who is struggling with raising three kids without a wife and balancing a big time career (though I don’t think they ever explained what he really did). One day he happens to take the wrong cab, driven by an insane devil worshiper (oh the 80s and their fear of devil worshiping cults) who ends up helping Mr. Cosby become a Ghost.
Through the picture Bill learns that family is more important than business and that if you are a ghost you can choke a fool through a telephone!
Bill finds out that he only has a little time before he is gone for good (flickering blue screen and OBVIOUS wire work included- bonus) with the aid of a British occult expert named Edith (pronounced ED-ith, which is the running gag). Bill struggles to learn how to cope with being non corporeal (at first) and he has to close a big business deal before Thursday (when he passes for good) so he can get life insurance for his kids.
One thing that I found odd was the production value. In the beginning it seemed like a standard 80s comedy, picture was good and they had a Janet Jackson song in the soundtrack which was surprising. But after about 20 minutes you start to notice the rest of the soundtrack sounds like some public domain Sci-Fi score from something like an Ed Wood movie or They. This keeps up occasionally through the movie and was a little distracting. The Blue screen effects (later replaced by green screen in the 90s) were very harsh and quite hilarious. There is nothing quite like Bill Cosby with a flight wire harness flying through the wall. I think as the movie progresses you can actually see the budget plummeting.

Not a horrible movie but I think the main reason that people pick at this one is the WTF ending. There is not really an ending. Out of all the conflicts that were set up in the hour and twenty four minutes not much is ever resolved. I am curious to see if any film schools ever studied this movie, it could have happened.

So overall I don’t think Ghost Dad is quite the horrible movie everyone makes it out to be but it is no Leonard part 6 (more on that later for sure)

Hope you enjoyed the maiden voyage.
Until we meet again.

Trowa

Dear movie industry,

Suck it.

I went out this week to purchase some new movies and even though it has been a long time in the making, the movie industry has simply gone too
far.

Why, you ask?

A DVD costs less than $.50 cents to produce- that is by my personal calculations mind you. Most likely it is far less than that even with cover art etc… but more on that later in the post.

It costs on average $19.99 for a DVD. Why? For a while I understood, the DVD had commentary and features and deleted scenes- some even had
blooper reels.  That adds up and I get spending $20 bucks on THAT, however, Slowly it has transitioned to “hey, buy this $22-$24 DVD special edition with a lot of crap”. You buy it and there are two discs, one has the movie and all the “special” crap and the other… is a digital copy of the movie you just bought.
Why?

In this day and age it is easy to watch things on the go and I get that there is an audience for that but why do we have to pay extra for another copy we don’t need just to get special features or the cut of the movie we want? Then they hit the market with 3 disc editions, one disc with the movie, one disc with bonus features- most of them hardly warrant taking up a whole disc (at less than 1G of info at times) and then… a digital copy of the same damn movie you just bought- you know, for friends.

This trend started with the release of Live free or Die Hard. I wanted the “director’s cut” because that version had swearing, I’m sorry but Die Hard without the phrase “Yippey Ki Yay Motherfucker!” is simply not right. In the edit they bleeped the MF with a gunshot, come on people- what happened to R rated action movies? Yes, more sales with PG13 but you drain the life out of it that way. Kids will find out how to get into your movie no matter what the MPAA rates it- they cannot stop everything. But that is another story in itself. (Do yourself a favor and Rent “This film is not yet rated”)

(Bruno no likey)

Now we get DVDs with stickers on them saying “buy bluray and get the most out of your movie”.  These “new DVDs” sport only the feature and MAYBE a commentary if they feel like it.  Seldom do they even have printed artwork on the disc (mostly grey rental discs ready for netflix) and most have stopped even giving you an insert with the track listing. To top it all off they are trying to reduce plastic and they BARELY give you a DVD case that you can safely store your purchase in, because now the “case” has cut outs where the disc sits. You know, so when you drop
the case you have the possiblility for maximum damage to your purchase.  But hey, you can just buy another one right? Money trees are plentiful and fertil- indeed.

The same thing happens to TV DVD sets- IE: The Simpsons. Cardboard sleeves that scratch the hell out of the disc  and hardly do anything to protect. It is not just about flashy packaging- some people want to keep the DVD that they buy longer than a week.

We are a disposable society but some of us still want value for our money.

But they don’t stop with cheap packaging…

Recently, Warner brothers initiated a 28 day hold on their new releases in association with netflix rentals. Their intent is to drive up sales.
They think that if a new release comes out and nobody can easily rent it they will sell more copies of their $20 DVD/ $28 Bluray- and they may be right.
What they fail to realize is that some people, such as myself, rent before buying. I am not going to run out and buy a movie for that price without watching it. So now in a sense they are punishing their customers, forcing them to buy or try to find one of the last physical rental locations to watch their movies.
I had to go to Blockbuster to rent two warner movies. On the receipt it said that I could own the movie if I paid $15 more on one and $17 on the other, after paying $3.50 plus tax for each rental that would make it over $20 per title- no thank you. I enjoyed both films and would like to buy them, however, I will not be buying them now. I will wait and buy them used online for a fraction of the cost. As of now the two titles that I had my eye on are around $10 online and the prices are still droping daily. Once they get around $5 its go time.
They have now forced me to change my habits with watching movies so I must also change my buying habits.

It was also recently announced that Fox and Universal would be doing the same thing. They have perks like an expanded watch it now category but I fail to see how that would do any good- most movies that they are adding are not that good. There are a lot of crap watch it now movies on netflix already, do they need more?

I feel like the studios would do better if they kept their customers in mind and standardized their DVD sales. Sell just the film for $10 DVD/ $15-18 bluray. Then if you want bonus features tack on another $5. If you want a digital copy another $5 and so on. Build your own DVD- Here is what we have available- pick what you want. They could make up any difference in the volume of sales. Plenty of people would buy a single title just to watch the movie for $10- even impulse buyers. Remember VHS? No special features and $15 was okay with everyone. And then the movie geeks can get their extras for a reasonable upcharge. People should not have to convert to HD to get special features. But that is where they are going with it.

Having a choice in what you buy could possibly encourage you to spend more money. As an example I think of the “Special Edition Director’s cut” version of Rob Zombie’s Halloween vs. the ”Theatrical cut”.  I bought the “Special Edition Director’s cut” thinking that I would get both versions of the movie since I paid more, No. There was the feature as Zombie intended and a bonus disc with features. I go to find the “Theatrical cut” which for me was a better version but if I found one in any store it was Full Screen and $25. Never. I ended up tracking a copy down on Ebay for about $10 and when I got it sure enough there was a feature disc which looked like a rental- very cheap. There was also a bonus disc, this one had fancy screen print and- wait a minute- was the same damn disc that was included in the “Director’s Cut”.

The studios should make it possible for you to buy what you want in your DVD, not force you to go find another copy of the film and pay a premium for the version you like but you end up getting another 2 disc set that comes with the version of the film you want but also an exact copy of the special features you already got with the “Director’s cut’. If you get the “Ultimate Edition” it should be “Ultimate”, it should have everything.  I get what happened with Star Wars- Lucas. They are going to keep releasing  multiple “Special Editions” even after he becomes one with the force. They are releasing a BluRay edition of “The Star Wars” pretty soon but if they will have the original version of the trilogy remains to be seen. Most likely they will release the special ones that the die hard fans hate and then a year or so later they will unleash the originals as a bonus like they did with the DVD. But the horrible thing about it is that people keep buying them.

Then there is this…

\”Movie Piracy – It\’s a crime \”

The studios are very protective of their works, and that makes sense but is it that serious of an offense?

At the beginning of each movie we see…

Here are some interesting facts:
-Misusing a Social Security number: A maximum penalty of five years in federal prison without parole and a fine up to $250,000.

-Tax fraud: maximum penalty of three years in federal prison and a $250,000 fine on each count.

-Pleading guilty to abusive sexual contact:  The maximum penalty upon conviction is three years in prison, a $250,000 fine

So it is okay for the studios to rip off the consumer, but when the tables are turned you are no better than someone that steals identities, cheats on their taxes and abuses others sexually?

I am not saying to download movies online for free, I am saying that this “epidemic” was caused by the movie industry and as one of the options I would like it if we could skip the pity party and focus on the real problem- greedy actors and the studios that give them everything they want.

Studios need to draw the line on salaries. One of their ad campaigns showed a key grip talking about how he had been laid off because there was so much piracy. No sir, you were laid off because Tom Cruise needed another gold plated humvee- thats why.  Tom Cruise was paid for his roles in Valkyrie and Tropic Thunder… 30 million.  Surely they could have paid good old Saul the Key Grip a few thousand dollars for his work. No, if Mr. Cruise does not have his humvee no couch will be safe.

(The only salary that I feel is justified was the one Harrison Ford was paid for Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull… 65 Million, for being raped on screen. Should have been more.)

So where do we go from here? I say stop buying all the crap they are selling. If you have to have the movie wait it out a bit and look at the used DVD section- you would be very surprised what other people take back to the store. I have purchased a LOT of DVDs used and most of the discs looked brand new- not even a scratch. If you really like a movie try renting it first, yes they still get money from that but not as much as you buying it from the store. If you want to buy it give it a month or so and you will start to see the price for the used copies drop as more new movies are released. And if you start to feel bad for the actors- don’t. Imagine if you were given 30 Million dollars for 3-4 months of work. Now stop drooling… Think about how Tom Cruise’s stunt man might get paid up to $70,000 in an entire year to do the stunts (wearing a neon green hood that is later digitally replaced by the likeness of Mr. Cruise) that make the movie look cool, and it is hard to do that after Mr. Cruise has worked at the fudge factory all day.   Plus the stunt man has to join a union and pay dues to ensure food is put on the table.

Enjoy your “Super-Mega-Ultimate- Omnipotent-Fancyschmancy- collector’s Edition DVD/BluRays” because pretty soon you will have to buy the 3D version of the movie to get special features, and the 3D TV, and the 3D glasses, and the smell-o-vision card.

But what do I know? I’m just a simple cave man- your evil high definition talking boxes confuse and frighten me.

So again, Movie industry- Kindly Suck it!

Craptastic!

I have been a fan of Resident Evil for many moons. I even attempted to make my own movie and failed fantastically (not because of the script or the lack of motivation- because of dumb, dumb, flaky people).

Wild wild west Alice with annoying Akimbo shotguns.

So the trailer for RE 4 is up and I am completely amazed. Why does Capcom let them do this? Is it just money? Is it really, really funny and I just don’t know? I seriously want to know how they could let something like this go.

I think the movie franchise would have been OK if they had just used a different title other than resident evil and used a different corporation name. Just take the resident evil and umbrella right out- problem pretty much solved.
Those are the only ties to the RE universe and it just drags the name through the mud.
The books are awesome (go read them) and the games were great- of course, but the movies have always left much to desire.

So what if they kept the name and the corporation and continued to let it live in its own universe but didn’t attach well known characters? That is Another way they could have gone about making it, the way they did with the first one. There were no well known characters to piss off the die hard fans but it was faithful to the look and feel of the mythology of the series-it actually added to it and the end was brilliant, that scene where the camera pulls back to the ruined city (sorry but if you have not seen it by now you probably won’t).
Even if they eventually made Alice into a kung fu expert it would not have really hurt the series if they had just stuck with original characters and built around the existing properties, Maybe went with the Evil Alice plan and killed her off (sigh). But they just had to have more well known characters. I think Cameos would have been okay, but having someone as notable as Jill or even Carlos in the second movie without staying true to their character was crap. And then the Nemesis knew kung fu- ubercrap. The nemesis just knew how to kill stars members or other targets- whatever was programmed (even his robot chip would have worked out)- he was a big advanced Frankenstein- not learned in the ways of the deadly arts! I doubt he spent time with Pai Mei, though he was missing one eye…

That is where they jumped the shark.

The first 30 minutes of the second movie were OK but after that mayday!
I really wanted to leave the theater when Alice started jumping around and all the Umbrella people gathered around like a schoolyard fight- But wait… Now the Nemesis has a heart and pushes poor super Alice out of the way of a rocket. I was even ok with the rubber Nemesis suit but Kung- Fu nemesis with manners is just too much.

Looks like the Executioner Majini- but why is it in this movie? Are they in Africa?

The third movie was not so bad if you could get over alice being super and the fact that Claire Redfield had no redeeming qualities whatsoever and was absolutely NOTHING like her character should have been. They almost Made Alice a Terminator-esque character- and that could have worked but fell flat with all the lame wire work. They managed to phone in what could have been a really interesting scene… When they released the “super zombies” (uuugh) they should have done it in the casino. Say the group went to the parking garage to get gas and then got cornered in a casino- that would have let up to the greatest zombie cameo of all time (only to be beaten by Zombieland years later)-

Zombie Wayne Newton.
Picture it… Chills.

The tyrant at the end was pretty lame as well- getting killed with the cube rip off umbrella booby trap- because the first time was not enough and of course we all had to see Milla Jo-Jo-Ba’s eraser nipples for the third time.
Nipples are great but there is a point when you have to leave them behind and work on the story.

Eventually, I actually got to a point where I could accept the three movies, overlooking a lot of the second one, and just hope that one day someone made a really good serious zombie movie (I’m looking at you world war Z, and Frank Darabant with “the walking dead” on AMC- look for it) but after reading a report from the set I am not entirely sure I even want to give this one a chance at all.

I just know they are going to turn Wesker into a vampire, watch…

Here is what it said…

“While we’re not exposed to any zombies on this particular day, we’re told that they are evolving too. In fact, there are completely new breeds of zombies, including “burrowing zombies”, which actually aren’t zombies at all, but infected humans. These are nasty bastards who have been living underground and attempting to burrow through concrete, causing their fingernails and lips to be torn to shreds long ago.” http://www.joblo.com/a-visit-to-the-set-of-resident-evil-afterlife

Really?
Mole-men zombies?
I give up.
And they are going with the, “these aren’t zombies they are infected…” If they aren’t zombies give them a name- like they did in resident evil, don’t say “well we have zombies- but not just ANY zombie…”
And don’t even start with the Trinity- er – Alice slow mo crap… Look-at-these-daggars-they-are-flying-right-at-you-oooooohhh-3D-bandwagon-oooohh.

I don’t care if they used the same camera as James Cameron- I might use the same toilet paper but I don’t dream of a world with blue Thundercats re-enacting Dances with wolves with a hint of Pocahontas.
Maybe soon Hollywood will ensure that we will see a REAL 3D turd- then we will get smell-o-vision again and the electric shocks they used in the 50s for “the tingler” to make us all literally shit ourselves in the theater. I guess we will have to wait for Harold and Kumar 3D for that (yes it is coming).

Meh.

But with Paul (if only I could be Wes) Anderson directing expect another ripoff “homage” to the move cubed, again, and again, and again, and again…
Maybe Alice will wake up on a spaceship haunted by ghosts filled with zombies and aliens stalking her and predators stalking the aliens and just when you think she is a goner Jason Statham will show up and they will escape- or will they? Then she almost dies and has a flashback and we see the bazillianth shot of her eyes and she overcomes her impediment, kills the bad guy/monster and blows up the ship only to land at another location where there are now millions upon millions of mole people trying to take her eyes from her. She draws her sword (yes she has one) and Statham draws a gun and just as they are about to chop up some mole men.

Smash cut to the credits and some lame ass slipknot or other generic new age metal band’s music.

And my eyes roll back.

It’s one of those films I’m very particular about. It’s not Batman or Batman II. It’s The Dark Knight. I get sensitive when people are so stuck with their Adam West memories that they mistakenly allow young children to watch it as something to pass the time. I remember once asking an older gentleman what he thought and he dismissively said “ Well, my grandkid liked it. He likes that kid’s stuff.” I don’t think he heard my teeth grinding but I can’t be sure.

As it got closer and closer to the opening night, I anticipated seeing it with a fevered anxiety. Rotten Tomatoes became my new best friend and I poured over the reviews not believing what I was seeing.

For instance, I expected “Solid entertainment.” “A great way to spend close to three hours.” “Ledger’s Joker is hysterical fun.” Instead I read, “Masterpiece.” “Raises the bar of comic book films, to the point where that description would be considered an insult.” “Uncompromising and bleak. A film where The Joker is a terrorist and Gotham falls to the brink of madness and chaos while a hero hovers between the light and the dark” “Unquestionably the best Batman movie ever.” “Ledger is the definitive Joker.”

I wanted to savor it and I waited until the following week, choosing to watch Hellboy II instead. I sat in a somewhat populated theater. A family was slightly to my left behind me. As soon as I heard that singular maddening note stretched to its excruciating limit, the bat signal aflame and rushing toward the audience, and the thud as we saw Gotham City (an unadorned Gotham with an uneasy verisimilitude) I knew we were in for a ride.

I had no idea how disturbingly compelling that ride would get.

The family behind me was just as engaged and I could hear the audible shifting in the seats. They were leaning forward.

You experience two things when you watch The Dark Knight. At first it’s fairly distancing and seems like it’s going to be pretty by-the book. Batman even carries this attitude and it’s one of the most ingenious moves the movie makes. You feel you’re in for a pretty non-threatening ride. And then something starts to happen, so subtle you almost don’t really pay it any mind. The Joker creeps up on you. We know eventually he’s going to be a threat. We’ve seen enough Batman movies and read enough comic books to realize this. What we’re not prepared for is how.

That’s the mastery of Nolan’s film. We’re like Batman. We underestimate the Joker because most of us have never seen or read this version of the Joker. But once he’s let loose chaos follows in his wake. Chaos that he revels in. Chaos that in its very lack of purpose gives The Joker his.

When I watch it I tend to stop the film right at the interrogation scene. It’s a long-ass movie for one, but also it feels to me like the turning point of the film. The Joker has become a legitimate threat but he was still “manageable.” With this sequence that all changes. Batman learns at heavy cost that he twists expectations and both he and Gordon learn the bitterest of lessons. When it comes to The Joker, he’s the one holding the cards. He has the upper hand. Always.

With this in mind, what was seen as a weakness by some critics, the mafia angle, is given a poignant relevance. Early on in Batman’s experience, the mafia is the most important threat to be dealt with. It would be that way in a normal world. “One man versus the mob?” Batman asks Gordon incredulously. Gee, which would you pick?

And that’s what we see in The Dark Knight. Thanks to the Joker, that normal world that Gotham inhabited is gone. Batman puts all his concerns in the mob, yet that one man does him more personal damage than anyone else he faces. How he eventually defeats the Joker is that even in grief he’s always the detective. He figures out the Joker’s unpredictability and it gives him an edge, but as with everything that happens in the film that edge and Batman’s war to protect Gotham City comes at a price.

Hence the title. If the movie is about the battle between Batman and the Joker over Gotham’s soul, Harvey Dent represents the casualty of that war when he is transformed into Two-Face. Yes, Ms. Dawes’s tragic death well and duly noted. But physical deaths are easy. Dent’s is a death of his spirit, heart, and moral certitude. To steal a line from the animated Two-Face, justice and righteousness become arbitrary, a flip of the coin. Chaos…sssss.

Dark Knight is almost anti-fanboy. (I added the “almost” as a fail-safe–someone, somewhere is fanboy on the film. Honestly, it’s not that hard, if you want to be a dick about it). The story is so set and the characters so well constructed (not to mention we got a taste of the gritty realistic setting of Batman Begins) that you don’t care that Batman “canon” Joker was dropped into a vat of toxic material or Dent got a vial of acid thrown at one side of his face. In terms of the story it’s more compelling to have Joker slice up his cheeks and paint himself with lame white makeup. And as for Harvey, the poor guy was just trying to escape. And both Ledger and Eckhart get to the core of these two villains; the emotional truth is there even if artistic liberties were taken.

It’s this detail and story that allows for the layers of this film: the post-9/11 tone of the film, something pretty easy to discern, Joker as a terrorist threatening Gotham (New York). Batman representing the Bush Administration trying to stop the threat. But this is why seeing the film multiple times (or any film for that matter) can be so rewarding. I failed to realize that Batman and Harvey Dent are two sides of the same coin with the Bush Administration. The public, reassuring George W. that Harvey Dent represents–with the exception of being able to talk coherently, of course–versus the morally dubious and troubling tactics the Bush Administration actually employed as personified by Batman. The same Batman that we’ve experienced through our childhood comic-book adventures as a hero.

The dichotomy of the Dent/Batman relationship is expressed cinematically as well. It is significant that both characters literally fall, but only Dent’s is fatal. At first I was puzzled by this because I got why Dent fell but I didn’t understand why Batman had to. Two-Face’s sins so greatly outweighed Batman’s. Yet there was my answer. Batman sinned as well. It’s ironic how the orchestrater of both falls, Joker, tells Batman he’s incorruptible. Yet the audience–and Batman–know better. That’s the whole point. Batman is not a pure stalwart hero. He will do everything short of actual killing to achieve his goals. That is the one line he will not cross. But that’s the only line. And one man took him to this plateau. Batman discovers his limits.

And in so doing both the Joker and Batman in a strangely perverse way bring out the best in each other. Batman reluctantly earns the title of Dark Knight. The Joker’s id is allowed to flourish to its insane extremes. Joker tells Batman they are destined to do this. Somewhere, Batman is thinking the same thing. And part of him wants to scream.

If you want to, you can also see Two-Face as a harbinger. The Joker is but a first step. He begets Two-Face. Eventually, we will see more colorful villains who threaten Gotham’s sanity. A penguin. A riddler. Poison Ivy. Killer Croc. Mr. Freeze. Even a ventriloquist. One of the nice little antecedents to Batman sparing Joker’s life is that in death Joker would have been a martyr. Then the inmates would have come out in droves forming an army of madness. But because the Joker is not killed the decline will be gradual, the foes will come out one warped individual at a time. But thanks to the Joker there is no going back. Inspiration begets inspiration. The rogues gallery is coming.

The whole film is perverseness personified. The most exciting moment in the film happens after the action set-piece. And shouldn’t that be located at the end? Instead we get Batman trying to free the “doctors” from the “hostages.” But the critical moment is the people of Gotham forced into a damning decision with death dangling over their heads.

Because here is why Christopher Nolan is arguably the smartest director out there. This endgame here is Gotham City. If the people trapped on the freighters blow each other up then all Batman has fought for is for naught. The Joker has well and truly won. It’s a foregone conclusion that Batman will beat the Joker. Not so much on the ferries. Once we see the humanity and agony with which these poor people are confronted with it brings a gravitas to the outcome. Yes. It is worth it. Despite the pain and loss, this is a city worth saving.

These moments at the end humanize these anonymous ciphers that we otherwise would have felt distanced from. We’re right there with them in that boat. We feel the same shame as the warden as a seemingly badass killer does the most logical (and bravest) thing by tossing the remote out the window. Put it in God’s hands.

We rarely get these moments of vulnerability in other blockbusters. Transformers 2 is like the polar opposite of The Dark Knight. Instead of the set pieces informing the story they overwhelm it–they are the story. The human actors are ciphers while the ones you’re supposed to care about–the Autobots–don’t generate that feeling at all, even when they’re supposed to such as with Prime’s ambush by Megatron and his cronies.

And it’s not like Transformers 2 didn’t have an intriguing story if the creators bothered to search for it and trust the audience’s ability to appreciate the finer things of storytelling. For example, there was the intriguing arc of Prime exhibiting some ruthlessness and mercilessness toward his Decepticon enemies. It would have been interesting to see Optimus slip to the dark side with some coaxing by Megatron, forgetting the ideals that separate the Autobots from the Decepticons in the first place. Prime literally becomes the fallen.

Meanwhile you have the horn dog Decepticon and Jetfire who turn their back on the Decepticon ways. Jetfire could act as a wise sage to get back on track by reminding Prime that at one time the Autobots and Decepticons were the same. But the Autobots chose to become who they were. They were not programmed. Transformers are more than meets the eye. Not robots or organic but the happy medium between them. Sentient beings with free will. So it comes full circle. Prime would again be given the opportunity to be a heartless badass….but he extends mercy instead. Maybe not blowing Megatron to kingdom come, but rising from the darkness within to be Optimus Prime at his best. Hey, you gotta have a Transformers 3, perhaps a well-earned and anticipated Transformers 3? Switch out horn dog with Alpha Sigma and you’ve got a winner.

Instead, Transformers 2 is the very definition of chickenshitted summer avarice, cowardice and cynicism. No respect for the source material. No love. No faith in anything but explosions and Megan Fox’s nubile sensuality and uber-sexpottery. If fans are given swill with sweet-ass explosions, they will gladly partake in the swill. Leading moneymaker of the summer substantiates that and justifies it. These creators (except, God-willing, Steven Spielberg) have nothing to apologize for. Why apologize for success?

Here’s why. Because The Dark Knight became the second-biggest money-maker of all time. And no one–fans or critics–aired one dissenting voice. It earned that spot. It deserved it.

A Youtube movie reviewer very astutely pointed out that Dark Knight is one of those films that can be seen both analytically and as entertainment. It has the best of both worlds. And as with all great films, you see it enough times and an osmosis begins to occur. Whether you want to or not, you do see themes and metaphors developing and it enriches the experience even more.

Box Office wise I well and truly thought Dark Knight would usher in a turning point for blockbusters. Reaching for grandeur and substance not being afraid to reach for Godfather-type quality even if the source material couldn’t even touch Don Vito’s cat.

But it’s all about the safe choice. The one that guarantees a profit. Still, though, I think audiences are tiring of flash-in-the-pan hits riding their two weeks of astronomical business. Hollywood’s model of short-attention span commodity is failing. It seems that in the end audiences glom onto marathons more than sprints. It comes down to supply and demand. As long as audiences want a little meat and potatoes with eye candy, then Hollywood will produce the meals. Otherwise, we’re gonna have a frightening number of cavities….and perhaps worse.

TallGent

John Cusack’s character is the put-upon owner of a record store. Every day these skateboard punks take over the street and basically loiter around his store. Late in the movie, his coworkers listen to a mix tape with stunned disbelief. Cusack takes a listen and, also impressed, asks who it is. Jack Black, in one of those perfect reaction shots, puts his hand up to his face covering his eyes. “Those skateboard bastards out there. It’s…good. It’s really fucking good.”

It’s perfect because it expresses humility, surprise, and a bittersweet knowledge that all I had thought or knew was obliterated as mercilessly as Vulcan is in the new movie. What’s old is new again. Either go with it or gurgle against the current. Usually I take the road less traveled, but why bother when the current is just so much better? Plus it just makes more sense.

In my generation there were three constants:

• Star Trek movies and The Next Generation and post-TNG was appetizer between Star Wars movies.
• Battlestar Galactica was nostalgic and fondly remembered camp. Cool, but you didn’t get carried away.
  
• Star Wars will always outdo the other two.

I say with great reluctance and resignation that this is no longer the case.

My thoughts invariably wander to another hugely successful sci-fi reboot: Battlestar Galactica.  It’s doubtful that Glen Larson, Galactica’s original creator, could have updated the premise with such care and realism or achieved such depth and complexity within that simple premise. Aliens trying to wipe out the last remnants of humanity as they try to find a legendary planet known as Earth.

The aliens in the updated version weren’t aliens, actually. They were machines. Created by humans. Whole new ball of philosophical wax.

Yet producers Ron Moore and David Eick trusted that audiences had grown up enough to explore the concept taken seriously with issues that were relevant to not just this fantasy in space but to their world. Terrorism. Religion. Tolerance. And always hard, moral choices. The kind that don’t end with Starbuck and Apollo laughing over Boxey’s antics with that wind-up, mechanical fur ball as Lorne Greene intones the mission statement of the Battlestar Galactica over Stu Phillip’s triumphant theme. But the kind that linger long after the credits flash in simple white-on-black as Bear McCreary’s insistent percussion pounds out its tribal rhythms. Survival. Anyway. Anyhow. Triumph isn’t a given, it’s an exception. And always painfully brief, this was a show made for an unromantic age.

But I digress. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a review of Star Trek.

Star Trek wasn’t quite that bleak. It’s always been about exploring and going beyond what Man deemed possible. The future is an optimistic one. It’s not about survival but adventure. But it’s also been kind of stodgy. Gene Roddenberry had the right idea with updating the crew and time period. But by and large it was the same show with a different, more expansive cast, and, arguably, the same stodginess.

It needed a fresh voice. It needed JJ Abrams.

Abrams brings to Star Trek a bit of a more modernized sensibility and attitude, and, honestly, I had my reservations about that because you always run the risk of a film or story losing the heart of what made Trek so special for a lot of fans in the first place. And, to be fair, Abrams really flirts with that line. But what pulls him back and makes Trek the deserved success it is happens to be the same thing that created Trekker devotion in the first place: the characters.

It has to start at the top with Chris Pine who brings out a bit more rebel bad boy than William Shatner’s seasoned adventuring captain. Yet once he gets the mentorly push by Captain Pike, the audience begins to see the James T. Kirk everyone knows. More importantly, we see the relationships Kirk makes build the foundation for the man he will become. It’s the crew of the Enterprise that brings the best out of Kirk.

Especially Spock. Abrams really nails Spock, wonderfully realized by Zach Quinto.  It was an absolute masterstroke for both Kirk and Spock to be paralleled and for Abrams’s Spock to be as proud of his human heritage as Roddenberry’s was trying to deny his. Punkass Vulcan be dissing his mother, dude’s in for a world of Vulcan neck pinches.

Kirk gets Spock to embrace his emotionality and to trust in gut intuition. Spock teaches Kirk the benefit of reason and logic. Much of what I liked about the final confrontation with Nero was Kirk seeming to grant mercy because it would make Spock happy, yet time after time Kirk will continue to take this tack because it is the best course of action. James T. Kirk will embody what the Federation of Planets and Starfleet strive for. It’s human and it’s logical.

These are all things that audiences respond to. They get these concepts when it’s given an emotional basis. Touch them in the heart and the head will follow.

Both Galactica and Trek exemplified this to perfection. George Lucas, on the other hand, has long been accused of distancing audiences rather than drawing them in. The prequels certainly attest to that.

All that said, I will defend the prequels to the last of my dying breath or at least before apathy encroaches because of the advancing years or the onset of senility and dementia. The overall storyline of the trilogy did a masterful of setting events in motion as to how Palpatine manipulates the Clone War into forming the Empire and Anakin Skywalker’s tragic Faustian fall into Darth Vader. And as the trilogy went along it got better and better.

Having said that, I think the saddest thing about the prequels is how much better they could have been with script polishing and a frickin’ director who kind of gets it that 1930s-style acting craft has been completely obliterated thanks to Brando. Yes, it got better. Yes, it ended up making lotsa dough, and when all else is argued you can’t argue with the dough. But if Peter Jackson or Joss Whedon or, hell, even one of Lucas’s choices Ron Howard, would have directed them that human, relatable element wouldn’t have been lost. And Jackson knows as well as anyone, you lose them the first time they ain’t coming back.

And as much as I hate to admit this let alone think it, I wonder if the Clone Wars animated series is Lucas’s way of bringing back the fans and children he may have alienated with the prequels. But then if that were the case, then why is Clone Wars one of the top rated cartoon series on Cartoon Network? Surely these kids remember the troops landing on Geonosis in Attack of the Clones? The same movie with that mushy nonsense about sand infecting your skin pores or something. Because just as I got inundated with the adventures of Han, Luke and Leia so do I see kids who love Anakin and Obi-Wan in the same breath as they revere new characters like clone trooper Captain Rex all the while loyally carrying around their newest Clone Wars paperback. One time while watching a bit of Empire Strikes Back with my cousin, he was confused because he thought the Stormtroopers were good. At least that’s how it was in the Clone Wars. You couldn’t sandblast the smile off my face if you tried.

But I digress. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a review of Star Trek.

And that’s why in a way I feel kind of bittersweet about the success of Trek. Because really it’s taken something that was done before and dressed it up in different clothes. But the result is pretty much the same. There are some diehard Star Wars devotees who say that Abrams basically took the Star Wars formula and applied it to Star Trek. About a dozen or so Youtube clips attest to this. But you know what? Who gives a frak? Lucas lost his exclusivity to that little template when he made the prequels. And, honestly, it wasn’t his template anyway he just utilized it in the most imaginative way. Galactica brought human storytelling back to the sci-fi consciousness. Star Trek brought that consciousness to the mainstream. It just goes to show that looking to the past is still the best place to learn new lessons.

TallGent

I saw it last night…

So, the good stuff first:

- Action!  The couple of intense set pieces you see in the commercial (the bombing of the satellite grid and the people collector with “moto-terminators!” on its legs) are breathtaking.  The people collector terminator scene in particular is just a freaking thrill ride.  It’s clear that McG had been cooking up these two set pieces for many many years; the love and attention (and cinematic maturity…really…) of how they were presented is not to be missed.

- Sound Design.  A couple of quibbles aside, the terminator/Skynet sounds are just scrumptious.  What makes the scenes above work so well is how “uncomfortable” the evil terminator sounds feel.  This movie (no surprise for McG’s work, I’m afraid) is a movie that needs to be LOUD for the full impact of the scenes involved.  I can’t really say the music was stunning (Danny Elfman?), but the scenes where the music paused so that you could appreciate how impressive the mix was were quite amazing.

- Marcus Wright.  Obviously not a spoiler, but Sam Worthington’s character as a Terminator is excellent.  He seems to be one of the only people taking the movie seriously, and turns in a great performance.  The movie would have been a complete failure without him.

The not-as-good:

- The Other Actors.  Yikes, guys.  The performances range from not too offensive (Common and Christian Bale) to just awful (Moon Bloodgood and Michael Ironside).  The best part about Star Trek was that each actor actually showed up and turned in a decent acting performance.  At this point, I’d rather watch Arnold ham it up in any of the other three Terminator movies than watch these actors (who actually have done somewhat decent work before) embarrass themselves.  Anton Yelchin as Kyle Reese was decent, but nothing to write home about.  I’d say it was the writing, which is pretty terrible, but even poorly written movies can have snappy and heartfelt delivery (see The Rock, Armaggedon, etc).  These guys did not care.

- The story: Blech.  With the explosive action sequences happening mostly in the first half of the movie, I actually didn’t realize that how little I cared for the actual plot of the thing until we got to the second half.  Once I got my bearings, I realize how dull the whole concept (and execution) of the plot elements were.  This is easily the most forgettable story of the series, and clumsy in its execution to boot.  The ending actually made me roll my eyes (partially because they told you how it would end earlier in the movie with their “hints”).

- The “Huh?” Moments.  I won’t enumerate too many of these, only because it’s probably more fun to have each of you bring your extensive list of goofy moments to the table, but there are some really dumb things here.  One of my favorites: Near the end of the movie, John Conner is snooping around in Skynet Central, and he has to interface with one of the computer systems.  He does so by playing with a superslick, hot-off-the-assembly-line TOUCHSCREEN INTERFACE!  That’s right, perfect for those meaty paws those infiltrating humans might be carrying when they come in to disable Skynet.  That’s really the tip of the iceberg; there are tons of moments by the end of the movie that just start pulling you right out of the experience.

In short, the movie is mostly a mess, but if you catch those couple of scenes, you’ll be thankful you did.  The rest is junk.